A few months ago I was having a conversation with a co-worker about how to correct a child’s behavior within the program. During the conversation I used the word discipline. She shrunk when I used the word and quickly changed the subject.
I was surprised and intrigued, discipline had become a dirty word. The definition is still the same, but the connotation in our society has changed.
What is Discipline
Discipline can be looked at in two different ways as defined in the Merriam-Webster dictionary.
(2) orderly orprescribedconduct or pattern of behavior
The first definition is compliance enforced by external powers: Parents, teachers or the government. The second is compliance controlled and enforced internally by ourselves.
The first definition is still not wrong or bad – but this is where our culture has begun to replace the feeling of the word. Instead of seeing discipline as a way to teach and correct, we often see it as a way to abuse.
(3) language that condemns or vilifies usually unjustly, intemperately, and angrily – verbal abuse
(4) physical maltreatment – child abuse, sexual abuse
As you look at the different definitions you can see how the first two lead to the second two. The first two, corrupt or excessive, take what discipline should be and misuse it. When discipline is misused it stops being discipline (a teaching moment) and becomes abuse.
This is where we need to start having a discussion in society. We can all agree that abuse is bad. The problem is agreeing on what abuse is.
For example…
Legally if it leaves a mark it is abuse. Which I personally agree with.
When it comes to being home alone, some states dictate very specific ages in which you can start giving children autonomy.
Others states have chosen to let the parent decide when a child is responsible enough by protecting what is now being called “free range” parenting.
We used to have “time out” to encourage time for a child to think instead of being hit as punishment, but even that is starting to be seen as abuse.
The truth is, anything can become abuse when it becomes corrupt or excessive.
As a result we have people who are afraid to act at all in the betterment of child behavior.
Where has Our Fear of Discipline Led Us?
We have parents afraid to reign in their children’s behaviors, teachers who feel they have no rights to bring control to the classroom and the government placed with the final choice of penalties and imprisonment.
We can and should teach children how to control their behaviors. This is called discipline.
Discipline with Love
It is vital that we discipline our own passions, so that when we discipline a child it is out of love meant as a teaching moment. Discipline doesn’t always means punishment or consequence and it never means abuse.
If we can view our roles as an opportunity to teach, we will conquer the largest hurdle of possible abuse. We will help a child have a better life by helping them learn to control themselves. It will bless their lives into adulthood.
5 Ways to Implement Good Discipline
Calm down
Let them know you will discuss the consequence with them in five minutes.
Give yourself time
Good parenting or teaching does not mean you have to react immediately. Allow yourself time to decide on a just consequence. It is ok to point out the child’s action was not ok and you will be thinking of a way for them to fix the problem.
Give consequences you can and should follow through with
Nothing is more confusing than having irrational threats yelled at you. As in, “I’m going kick you into next week.” Not only should you not do this, you can’t. Practice giving consequences you can follow through with and that you wouldn’t regret the next day.
Be consistent in expectations and reactions to behavior
Work on talking first. If needed calm down and give yourself time to regroup. Remind yourself this is a learning opportunity for your child. You are correcting them for their benefit. Somethings you can and should ignore, pick your battles so to speak. If anger is building up inside, address the issue to avoid randomly blowing up about things you previously let go.
Discuss with the child what happened that was unexpected
This is the learning opportunity. Believe it or not, children don’t always know why we got so mad. Still even if you kept your cool and told them to go think about what they did, a child will need help to regroup and process what did happen and how it could have turned out differently. As the adult in a child’s life we can be the link to help them understand how to improve things next time.
Is that really true? Could video games really get kids outside? Not just an exercise video game, but truly outside?
This is how we got our kids voluntarily going outside because of video games. If you want to read the full history and cultural norms that let us on this situation, read more here.
Video Game Acceptance
I hated video games (full story in the link above) and vowed to never get them, but times change and we found ourselves looking for a lightly used Wii. Used because we are hard core financial thrifters. It just doesn’t make sense to buy some things new – video gaming consoles being one of them. 😊
Or maybe just because I hate video games and the cost had to be very low for us to be enticed.
It was important that our kids had boundaries with the technology. That they understood its potential for addiction.
Household Video Games Rules
We played around with different rules. The kids already liked to read and we wanted to keep it an enjoyable, voluntary pass time.
We had time restraints where they could only turn it on after a certain time of day. This rule was in hopes that they would play with each other and develop strong relationships. There always seemed to be a reason for them to want to play outside of those parameters, it’s a weekend, a friend is over that hasn’t played it etc. I felt like I was constantly making decisions.
It should be more streamlined right? I don’t want to keep making decisions on top of my decisions.
The Outside Video Game Rule
That is when I came up with the outside rule. For every half hour they were outside they got 15 minutes of game time.
It didn’t matter what they did, it just needed to be outside. They started playing with their dog on the lawn. Taking her for walks and lounging in the sun.
The kids then conserved their earned time to play at just the right time of night. Even after they come in, they still play with each other first.
Video Games Can be Used for Good
It has been a complete shock to me, they seem happier and are developing delayed gratification at the same time.
You may be wondering why I had to encourage them to go outside in the first place. The story can be found here.
It seems strange right? How could video games get kids outside? Growing up I hated video games. I grew up in the era of Atari and Nintendo. Up until 1985 (when Nintendo made their first home system) kids played outside it was a lot more fun than being inside.
I learned to tie my shoes just so I could go outside. That’s where all the kids were. Shoe tieing was my mom’s insentive plan.
Outside we made bows and arrows out of hay bail twine, climbed trees, made forts, peeked in birds nests and mastered the art of riding a bike without using our hands. It was a never ending adventure.
Kids Stopped Going Outside
In 1985 the kids next door got a Nintendo and my world changed. No one went outside anymore. I begged and they would decline without even looking up, eyes glued to the screen.
This wasn’t just my life, it happened everywhere. Video games, TV shows, and the constant flow of new Tech made it increasingly easier to keep kids entertained inside.
In fact, gaming is now a diagnosable addiction, with therapy groups and detox centers. Video game usage went up and time spent outside went down.
It became Rare to See Kids outside
Technology made it easier to not be outside. Maybe parents also became scared and stopped letting their kids outside because they knew about all the horrible stuff happening around the globe. I think it was probably a combination of both.
Society Became Suspicious When Kids Were Outside
Parents have been criticized for being too protective by some and not protective enough by others.
!! Right, I read this too my 11 year old and she was incredulous and insulted.
Here is my personal experience,
Why My Children Went Outside Less
A few years ago I went on a bike ride with my children on a quiet neighborhood street. Two on their own bikes, two pulled in a bike trailer.
A police officer pulled up next to us and slowly drove by, eyeing me like I was doing something wrong. True, not many people have four children, but I had better adult-to-child ratio than most daycares.
It was rare to see someone out with so many (four) children. It just isn’t common, so I was viewed suspiciously.
And also this
While at a grocery store I went to return my cart, about 4 car lengths away from where I was parked. A cute old woman asked if she could have my cart.
Now this grocery store has you put a quarter in the cart to unlock it. Even though it’s just a quarter there are never stray carts in the Aldi parking lot. People will walk a few yards to save the quarter for next time.
I passed the cart over to the nice old woman and began to walk away. She called me back, insisting she pay me. It was an over cast day, the sun was setting, the temperature maybe 40°. I determined my children would be just fine in the car while I wait.
The woman, no joke, payed me in pennies!
And just like in the movies, she put them in my hand one at a time. So it took a little while, like maybe 4 minutes – but when 25 pennies are being painstakingly placed in your hand – time goes a LOT slower.
By the time I got back to my car, remember about 4 minutes later, a woman I knew and her teenagers were staring angrily at me and my vehicle.
She slammed her door and hissed, “YOU left your children alone in the car!”
Surprised I said, “Well yes, I was returning my cart.” I was sure she would understand. Instead, she huffed and stomped away.
When parents are criticized for being over protective we need to stop and wonder why. The pressure is great my friends. Society is pressuring us to hyper-parent, believing it will be safer.
When I decide to give my children more autonomy I actually worry more about what “well intended” citizens are going to do, than what criminals are going to do. Though, I assure you I take creepy people into consideration while making decisions.
Video Game Use Stats
As I researched graphs and data I actually found several sources showing that as video game sales went up, the number of violent crimes went down.
Now data, can say what you want it to say depending on how you look at it. What I saw – people were no longer outside in society to do crimes, they were shooting behind a screen.
The data also clearly was pointing out violent crime incidents, not deaths total. We have definitely seen an increase in mass shootings, but a decrease in total individual crimes. So less people doing crimes yet more people doing insanely deadly crimes.
So why did we decide to get a gaming console?
Kids Go Where the Video Games Are
A woman with several teenagers once told me she was also weary of video games, but found her kids went where the games were. They still played video games and on top of that, games she couldn’t control. We’re they violent, were they risky? She didn’t know the kids weren’t in her home.
So they bought a gaming console.
As our kids got older we started to see a similar trend and decided to join the gaming community. We wanted to have more control of what was being played. We wanted our children to have a safe place to hang with their friends. And we wanted to set rules that would protect their brains from the very real gaming addiction.
The Video Gaming Rule That Got Our Kids Outside
The whole purpose of our video game rules were to avoid gaming addiction, promotes healthy relationships and development real world problem solving skills. You can read more about our gaming rules here.
The one that got our kids outside was simply that, we tied gaming to time spent outdoors. For every half hour outside they got 15 minutes game time.
You may be wondering, why weren’t your kids outside anyway? And… I don’t know – I’m guessing much of it had to do with the several things discussed above.
There weren’t other kids outside
There is pressure from others to not be outside
The parks are empty
There are no pick up games, it’s all organized sports now
The list could go on and on. What I do know is my kids started going outside voluntarily once I tied it to video games.
I hope they continue to discover the natural wonder and adventure of the outdoors – I’m only getting started.
Are you a gamer? What to you do for balance?
What do you do to get your kids independently outdoors?
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There are many phases we go through to become who we are. The eternal wrestle between nature and nurture tug at our behaviors and mind. The home we grew up in, the opportunities we had and the genetics we were born with all playing a role.
But what about us? What about our choice in it all?
I may have opportunities, but choose not to take them or I may have very few opportunities, yet carve out my own path. Who is that person deep inside choosing who I become?
Living Away From Home
In my early twenties I traveled the country living in different sub-cultures, among various religious or non- religious people. I lived among poor and rich. People with many children and people who wanted no children at all.
It is interesting to see how sculpted we can become by the immediate culture that surrounds us.
However, there are also the heroing stories of those who “overcame the odds,” breaking the chains that insisted a person think or act a certain way. How can we over come? How can we have a choice?
A Social Experiment
Each time we moved I decided to share some parts of my personality and not others. It was an experiment to see how others would treat me depending on what they saw.
When I offered free hair cuts and told people I knew how to cut my own hair, I was viewed more as a high maintenance individual.
As an artist I was viewed as creative and the go to person for art related topics, but probably not reliable.
As a home renovator – I was kind of surprised by this one. I was seen as someone with a lazy husband, who had to do it myself because I couldn’t get him to do it. The truth is we were both working on it, but I happened to like power tools, which made some women nervous and suspicious.
As a full time Mental Health Professional I was seen and treated with authority. As a part time metal health paraprofessional I was treated like a warm body.
What I Learned from My Experience
What people see in us at that moment, in no way determines who we are.
The truth is, I was all of these things and cabable of becoming much more. In order for me to choose who I would become and resist the pressure to merrily be sculpted by my immediate culture, I had to keep a mental picture of who I wanted to be.
People Change
Several years ago I shared a study on social media with the words “Wow, I sure hope so.”
It stated, “Science says that we are completely different people at age 77 as opposed to age 14.”
I didn’t, and still don’t want to remain, the same person I was when I was 14. I had different outlooks on life, views of people, different goals. I’m really glad I could change and improve on that individual.
But it made some people very upset. Daniel Gilbert, the research Psychologist at Harvard University, pointed out,
“Is it really the case that we all think that development is a process that’s brought us to this particular moment in time, and now we’re pretty much done?”
From some of the comments I recieved and the arguments that ensued, it seemed some people do want to get to a point where, ‘we’re pretty much done.’
Maybe it means we can relax, because we’ve finally arrived. Or maybe it allows us to push the blame of who we are, onto someone or something else.
Taking Responsibility For Ourselves
Now I know I’m going out on a limb here and may possibly offend others, but I’m going to risk it.
In order to have the option to change and improve, we have to accept responsibility for ourselves.
This doesn’t mean that the actions of another didn’t impact our choices, they often did. It means that if we really want to overcome pain or an annoying habit, we have to put the power back into our own hands.
We have to take the first step and say, “that really hurt, I’m mad – but I want a better life than what that person or circumstance says I can have.”
In order to make a change for the better, we need to see where we want to be. We need to believe we can change. Sometimes it means we need to forgive ourselves or others.
An Epiphany : Try Even When No One’s Watching
When I was in my pre-teen years, there was an incident where I became very angry with my parents. Shocker right?
I worked hard to get good grades because it was the only way I could see to change my future. We were poor and had few opportunities. I wanted a different life. I had a reason to try.
One of my sisters struggled in school and my parents wanted her to find a reason to try as well. This particular occasion, she got a C and they took her out to eat to help motivate her and celebrate.
I had gotten all A’s if not straight A’s and received no acknowledgement. I was mad….beyond mad.
When they headed out to the restaurant, I walked down to my thinking spot and brooded. I wasn’t getting good grades to please my parents, but it would be nice if they at least cared.
After some time feeling bad for myself, I came up with a brilliant, pre-teen, passive-aggressive response – I would start failing my classes.
I would hurt them, like they hurt me. I began to get really excited, this could work, I would show them.
Then a simple thought somehow made it’s way into my angry, hormonal mind –
“You will hurt your parents, but you will hurt yourself even more.”
Shocked by the simplicity of this apparent truth, I stopped and considered my life. If I truly wanted to make it out, I had to succeed even if no one else around me cared. Even if those around me might prefer I fail.
Not saying my parents wanted me to fail. Most likely they were so focused on how to get my sister to succeed they figured I didn’t need anything and they were probably overwhelmed. I could blame my failure on them or I could change my stars, accept responsibility and succeed or at least try.
Choosing Where You’re Planted
A few years later, some youth leaders introduced this whole, “Bloom Where You’re Planted, ” theme.
I think they were trying to say, ‘Make the most of where you are now.’ But I got hung up on the word ‘Planted’ – it seemed so permanent and unchangable. I hated the theme. When I they talked about it, I felt like they were looking right at me.
From then on I did everything I could to replant my life. If I needed to be planted it was going to be where I chose.
Allowing Your Head and Your Heart to Say Their Piece
Before I married, a co-worker of mine shared her engagement story. They had met through a mutual friend and ended up dating for a while.
Then in a tone of defeat, she sighed, “… and I fell in love.”
… and, AND! Bursting inside,
I waited… Just silence.
She was going to marry this guy – because she fell in love, even though her brain was screaming not to.
Her story introduced a new concept –
It is possible to love someone you shouldn’t marry. You don’t have to do everything your heart demands. A wise choice is made with the heart and the head.
Conclusion
Hopefully these three experiences give a little insight into why I personally believe in change. I want to have power to change or I am forever at the mercy of other people or circumstances.
There is freedom in believing you can become the person you want to be.
How about you? Do you like the idea of change or do you like the idea of arriving at permanence?
– are you mad at me? I hope not. Either way I wish you the very best in every way.
Setting children up to succeed rather than requiring constant discipline will have the most impact on improving behavior. Helping a child avoid unpredictable or undesirable behavior in the first place is key.
Today I want to discuss how to build the foundation for good behavior to thrive. There are many effective behavior techniques out there, but the best chance for success depends on if these three areas are in check first.
As a Behavior Coach I regularly see unexpected and difficult behaviors. Kids acting out in ways that don’t make sense, refusing to reason. It can be difficult and frustrating to figure out why kids make the decisions they do.
As I’ve gained experience with my own kids and with those I work with, I’ve begun to see a running trend. Here is the short list to creating a foundation for success in childhood behavior.
Reducing Screen Time to Increase Good Behavior
There are many educational ways to use screen time. Like most tools though, screen time needs boundaries and limits to be most effective.
Dr Nicole Beurkins observes, “Kidscanquickly become overstimulated fromscreen timewithout realizing it, which leads to worse moods, more anxiety, higher levels of irritability, and poorbehavior. … Children using devices for more than 2 hours per day have increased risk of depression, and that risk rises asscreen timeincreases.”
Screen time right before bed, or using screen time to fall asleep also keeps the brain activated, making it hard to fall into deep sleep and to stay asleep. Since children need more sleep than adults, even a half hour of lost sleep can negatively impact behavior.
Too much screen time also diminishes creativity and problem solving, which is increasingly becoming one of the skills employers search for most.
Screen Time Tips
Set a timer so your child knows they have the same amount every time, you’re not just randomly turning it off.
Set up ways for them to earn time on the screen like, cleaning their room, doing homework and feeding the dog.
Establish a no-screen-time-zone to encourage outside play and creative problem solving. Protect free play, this is where children practice what they’ve learned. Free play develops the brain in ways a classroom can’t.
Look for options to give screen time a break. Go exploring in nature, visit the museum. Encourage opportunities for face-to-face interactions with peers and adults.
Good Behavior is Reinforced by Creating Routines
Having a routine, regularly followed actions or pattern, helps reduce stress in children. By having a normal routine in life, your brain has the opportunity to take a break, which it needs. If there is no routine, the brain is constantly having to be “on” and solve the problem.
Routines canhelpchildren understand time and time management.
Routines can helpchildrenget used to having chores.
Routines can establish important habits such as brushing teeth and hair.
Routines canstrengthen relationships by focusing on time together.
Routine Tips
If for example there is no bedtime routine, though the child may insist they are not tired, the brain is constantly wondering when bedtime will come. It creates a constant stress that is always taking up brain power.
With a routine for bedtime, the body has a chance to start preparing for sleep and be ready to fall asleep when the time comes. One way to decide on a good bedtime is to notice when your child begins to show signs of being tired. Such as, yawning, rubbing eyes, getting cranky, fighting or becoming overly silly.
Then begin to get your child ready for bed a half hour before they start to show tired signs. A happy tired kid is easier to get to bed than an over tired, and cranky kid.
Follow a pattern that will begin to give cues to the brain it’s time to sleep as close to the same time and in the dane way as possible. The brain loves routine and will begin releasing the sleeping hormone melatonin in time to be sleepy for bedtime.
A pattern may be, getting on pj’s, brushing teeth, reading a story and being tucked into bed.
For a routine to work well, it needs to be followed. To have a positive effect on children’s behavior it needs to be a routine that fills a need, want or responsibility of the child. Routines around meal time, play time, bed time and chores help reduce stress by giving the brain a break.
A routine can also help take away the stress of chores or other possibly, undesirable activities. If it’s part of the pattern and something that has already been discussed, you’ll find much less arguments. Obstacles such as putting away the dishes or picking up the toys before the TV is turned on stop being a daily argument when it is calmly and regularly expected- it becomes routine.
Improving Quality of Sleep Greatly Impacts Good Behavior
You’ve probably noticed sleep has already been mentioned in both screen time and routine. In this case the best, really has been saved for last.
Aside from mental and physical concerns that can have a large impact on behavior, lack of sleep is often the number one culprit to poor behavior. Which is a major reason why the above two are on this list, they make a significant impact on how well a child sleeps.
After completely, unexpected behaviors, I’ve just started asking kids, what time did you go to bed last night or how did you sleep? About 80% of the time there has been a serious problem with their sleep the night before. Anywhere from coming across a scary movie without parents knowledge, to simply staying up to 3 in the morning playing video games.
Sleep or lack of sleep can greatly impact the behaviors of children.
Dr Dean Beebe, says, “Inadequate sleep – whether too short or poor quality – causes specific changes in mood and thinking.
This makes it difficult to reason, or to be patient and kind. In fact many people don’t even recognize sleep deprivation in children because symptoms for lack of sleep can be very different than in adults.
If your child is experiencing 2-3 from the list below, they need more sleep. Once sleep problems are corrected other behavior improvement strategies are more effective.
The tendency to emotionally ‘explode’ at the slightest provocation.
Over-activity andhyperactive behavior.
Daytime naps.
Grogginesswhen they wake up in the morning.
Reluctance to get out of bed in the morning.
Lack of sleep has been shown to cause poor attention, worse grades, school absences, poor social interactions, irritability and crankiness, depression, increased car crashes, and increased risk taking behaviors. 25 – 30% of children are not getting adequate sleep.
Some kids have a hard time sleeping, even if screen time has been adjusted and there is an established healthy routine. These sleep tips and solutions may be worth giving a try.
Sleep Tips
Use white noise to decrease outside and inside noises. This can be a fan turned to the corner to keep the room from getting too cold.
Try a white noise maker. I’ve tried both of these and they work great. One white noise maker has recorded sound, the other has an actual fan inside that creates constant, natural white noise.
Try a stretch sheet. I knew these were around for a while before I tried it, but they’re kind of pricey. They work well for kids who have a hard time settling down or who toss and turn. I finally, after years, bought one for our teenager.
He has always tossed and turned, but was a happy kid so I thought, it was fine. When he started hitting major growth spurts it wasn’t working anymore. He was constantly tired and showing signs of depression. When I asked how he was, he would say, “tired.” We finally made the plunge and bought the sheet.
He immediately, as in the next morning, said he had slept well. When he came home from school he talked about things going on at school instead of how tired he was. It’s now been several weeks and he continues to have enough sleep. It was worth it.
Other important strategies to improve sleep we have already discussed, but deserve repetition. Screen time, create a routine where something else happens a half hour before bed instead of an electronic device. Read a story, play a calm down game, snuggle in bed.
Remove TV’s from the bedroom. Falling asleep to the TV keeps your brain from shutting down. Though it may seem like an easy way to get a child to sleep, it doesn’t keep them asleep or create restful sleep.
What do you do to increase sleep?
How have you monitored screen time?
What routines keep your children in a good place?
Share below so we can all benefit from your experience and have a marvelous weekend. 😊
There is something magical about Candy. If a game is a bit boring, add candy and voila! It’s now a family favorite.
Which is exactly what happened to us. ☺️
When we decided play Candyland with real candy it quickly became a family tradition. You may have already read about our Candland tradition, along with our other favorite Christmas pass times.
Once I introduced this idea for Candyland, our children wanted to play with real candy all the time.
We found we needed some house rules to turn Candyland into the coolest cooperative game ever known to man.
These simple rules made the game play more smoothly, encouraging everyone along the path to King Candy. 😊
Items Needed To Get Started
affiliate links in this article are meant to create quick, easy purchases for you. I will make a small percentage on items sold at no additional cost to you.
Candyland game – we have the 2002 edition, other versions may use different candy stops
This year when we played I realized I needed to share our ground rules. If you try out the Candyland tradition I want you to experience the game in its full glory. These additional rules keep things sane and fun.
How to Create Candyland Anticipation
Only do it once a year – for two reasons, scarcity- it keeps it special and reason two – time, who has the time to constantly get all the right candies? Am I right? Just tell your kids it’s for their own good, you love them so much you want to keep some traditions special.
No Hard Feelings or Whining
Start with the reminder that no one gets upset. Since this is for fun and to bond as a family, being upset kind of ruins it if anyone is whining. A simple reminder usually gets everyone on the same page, kids and adults.
Candy at Every Stop
One piece of candy for passing the candy image and two pieces if you land right on it. If you get sent back all the more time to gather candy.
Candyland Time Limit
Set a time limit, like 10 minutes, 15 if you’re brave. Remember, it’s still a simple game and kids start to get anxious about getting to the top where the M&M’s and stack of chocolate sticks are. A time limit helps kids stay focused.
How to Split up the Leftovers After a Game of Candyland
Setting a time limit means there’s usually still candy on the board. We split up the rest by taking turns one piece at a time (usually trying to go as fast as we can) until its all gone. This way players get to take the candies they like most and the game ends on a high note.
Pre – game set up
Gingerbread men
Since I’m pretty passionate about this whole candy authenticity thing 😉, we usually make gingerbread men earlier (like the week before). Then save some for gingerbread houses and some for the game.
Because you need to something to collect when you pass the gingerbread tree, it’s important.
Peanut butter candy
We make peanut butter candy for the Gramma Nutt stop. You can also just purchase or make peanut butter cookies.
The rest
Any other Candyland bliss, I buy at the store or you can following the affiliate links above for easy purchases.
Have a great time playing and Merry Christmas! ❤️🎄🤗
Hi, I’m Natalie. I’m a mother of four, an artist, and a DIYer that loves to reuse, recycle, and refurbish. I like power tools and teaching others how to save money while improving their home.
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