“I try to say yes, unless I have to say no.”

I didn’t realize what I had stumbled on at the time. I thought, it sounded like a good idea, but I hadn’t considered the difference it would make in my life.
Try to say yes, it was so simple and yet it stood out on the page, replaying in my mind. In that moment, I committed to implement the strategy in my parenting. I found the quote in the book, Small and Simple Things by Marjorie Pay Hinkley, which she practiced while raising her children.

I didn’t have children at the time, but began implementing the idea immediately.

Why Saying Yes is an Art

After 13 years of saying yes, I settled on calling it, the “art” of saying yes. One can’t simply say “yes” to everything and expect great outcomes. In fact when researching saying yes, there are actually more articles on how to say no – clearly people need more help saying no. So why on earth would saying yes make such a difference?

It’s important to know how to say no and there is a way to do it that helps people leave saying thank you. I’ll talk more about that in a minute. There are also many reasons to say yes. The ability and insight to know how and when to say yes is an art and comes with highly desirable effects.

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Behold, the child wearing whatever they want. Before you say no, ask yourself, “Is it completely irrational, dangerous” etc? If no, then try to say yes.

When out for a walk, our children might ask if they can look at something along the trail, I’d say “yes, but I’m going to keep walking, catch up before I’m out of sight.” This willingness to say yes created a fascinating phenomenon, our children weren’t afraid to ask. They were also, surprisingly, more apt to listen when we said no. For example while at someone else’s house I cautioned, “We can look at the decorations, but keep your hands on your tummy and just look with your eyes.” To the great surprise of my sister they listened. “How did you get them to do that?” She asked in shock, “Oh…I think it’s because I usually say yes, so this made them stop and think.”

You can say no without saying it

Avoid actually saying, ” no”, but still enforce boundaries. It’s a really easy word to repeat and once mastered, your two-year-old can pull it out and use it against you. Have you ever noticed what often accompanies the perpetual no?

When in the mode of saying no, use redirection and ” do” language. In other words pointing out the things you do want them to do instead of the things you don’t want them to do. Say, “Stop we don’t do that, but you can…” fill in whatever behavior is sought after.

Balancing yes and no

Several years back, I was a volunteer president of a youth organization. Where I learned an invaluable lesson on saying yes. I’ve found that when you’re in charge of something you are more visible, which means you get asked to do a lot.

It was Christmas time and I was asked by someone to coordinate decorating for a Christmas concert. Being new to this whole president thing, I said yes. Then someone approached me and said they want our youth to put on a skit for a Christmas roadshow, I said yes again. Then I was asked if I’d put together a costume for my son to play the part of Joseph in the Nativity, I said yes because he’s my son. All these commitments added onto my already existing demands.

Christmas was a whirlwind. I ran from place to place trying to make sure all my commitments were taken care of. The day of the roadshow came. As the youth’s skit ended, I walked off the stage with a sigh of relief – I don’t really like being in the lime light. I pulled my costume over my head and there was my son staring at me wide eyed. Excited children dancing around him in their cute costumes and here he was with nothing. In all the bustle of saying yes, I’d forgotten to help my own son. My husband was asking where his costume was, our son was up next.

I felt frozen in my spot. I was horrified, how could I forget my own child? My good friend, sensing my inability to move, began whipping a costume together from the props of our own skit. Which thankfully helped me snap out of it. I wrapped the blanket from my shoulders around his. My friend gave him a “staff.” I hugged him and sent him up on stage.

It was a life changing moment for me that night, not only should I not say yes to everything, I can’t. It is not humanly possible for me to accomplish everything everyone asks.

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Interestingly, just a few weeks ago, I was organizing a large party that required a lot of helping hands and work. I enjoyed it because I wanted the outcome and I had many people come tell me afterwards how much fun it was, except for one friend.

I hadn’t directly asked her for help, but she had been roped in by one of the committees. She is a doer. She makes good happen, she sees needs when others don’t and fills those needs, but on the night of the party she had too many commitments. While everyone else was having fun, she was running like crazy trying to fill all her commitments. She told me she never wanted to see this party happen again.

At first I was defensive, I had been working non stop this whole day and I still enjoyed it. But as I reflected, I knew going in how fun this would be, I had cleared my schedule to organize it, but she had likely not realized how much time would be taken and possibly had missed things that were more important to her.

The benefits of saying yes most often come when we’ve refined it to an art and are able to say no (or redirect, commit to what we can and pass on the rest) and keep our lives in balance.

The benefits of saying yes

I found that trying to say yes, looking for ways to say yes, kept my mind open. There were times I’d want to say no just because I was tired or not actually listening to them… yes I’ve done that… When I looked for ways to say yes I found myself letting my two year old crack eggs, marching through leafs and reading stories by flashlight.

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Saying yes allowed me to experience the magic of childhood with my children. Saying yes to “adult” (for lack of a better word) commitments, allowed me to build talents, overcome insecurities and make new friends that I otherwise would have missed out on. Yes needs to be done in wisdom and with an understanding of natural boundaries.

Saying yes builds trust

As yes began to take root in our vocabulary a very unexpected behavior also developed – well unexpected to me anyway, I’m sure Marjorie Hinkley likely experienced this as well. Our children never felt a need to sneak. They felt confidant in asking us. If we said no, we usually had a good reason and would explain that reason to them if possible. We rarely said no, but when we did we stuck with it and supported each other in our answers.

I trained them at a young age to ask for things instead of just taking them. For example I’d give my youngest child a vitamin for each of the kids and ask that child to give one to each of the other children. The first several times the child would eat all of them, I’d correct him/her and say that was for someone else and then give the others a vitamin. Soon enough I’d have my two year old giving out vitamins and not eating everything in sight. They knew they would have their chance to eat one and they learned to share. They didn’t need to sneak things.

As they got older my children would ask about an extra cookie etc. Sometimes there was only one left, if they asked nicely and others weren’t in the room I’d say yes. Sometimes I’d ask them to split it up and if they’d done a good job I’d let them pick first so there was a natural reinforcement for asking and splitting it fairly.

Saying yes encourages reasoning and self reliance

The second surprise to saying yes, our children became open to reason. Not just about a cookie, but about lifestyles, choices and habits. A mutual respect between us grew as we reasoned and at parents, said yes when appropriate and possible.

As I’ve watched our children grow, I’ve noticed that kids will check boundaries and recheck boundaries. It’s a way for them to see what they are allowed to do, but also as a way to see what they are capable of. At first I was terribly frustrated with the boundary checking, then I realized it was a natural part of growing up. This child has been dreaming of the day you’ll let them squirt the window washer bottle or mow the lawn – as surprising as that may be. They push boundaries to see if the same boundaries still exists or if it has shifted and you now see them as capable of more.

Saying yes can come in handy with boundary pushers as well. When I felt my child start to push, instead of getting frustrated as I used to do, I began to sit them down and say, “I’ve noticed you getting bigger and learning a lot of new things. Do you feel like you are ready for more responsibility?” This conversation opened up a new world for me, not only helping me largely bypass “No, no, no” conversations, but it also built my child up and let them see I had faith in their ability to progress.

The first time I tried this conversation I was terrified. What if he asked for something I couldn’t or wasn’t ready to give?

If this is a fear, review ways to say “no” (redirect, what you can negotiate on both sides to make it work etc.) and go forward.

When I asked him, his eyes got big. A smile spread across his face and he said, “yes I’m ready to do more.” I asked what he had in mind and he said he thought he was old enough to get the mail. I was surprised and relieved. This was definitely something I was ready and willing to do.

In return, he amazingly stopped pushing boundaries (for the time being) and focused on his new responsibility. When you think about it, that is really our goal in the end anyway, to have a self sufficient adult who knows how to do things.

The conversations have gotten easier. Now our kids often approach us with ideas on how to help them become independent even asking us to teach them how to make certain entrees, ways that they might be able to earn money and advice for how to progress in their future schooling, careers and families.

Saying yes has a freeing and empowering effect

When we started out on the path of trying to ‘say yes, unless we had to say no’, I hadn’t realized it would have such a freeing and empowering effect on our children. Learning how to say yes to adult commitments, still saying yes, but using wisdom allowed me to progress beyond what I thought was possible. I’m grateful I learned this secret so many years ago and I hope you find the same success in your yes journey.

Best wishes for the rest of your year, may your thanksgivings and holidays be peaceful, full of yeses and well structured, redirected nos. 🙂

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