There are many phases we go through to become who we are. The eternal wrestle between nature and nurture tug at our behaviors and mind. The home we grew up in, the opportunities we had and the genetics we were born with all playing a role.

But what about us? What about our choice in it all?

I may have opportunities, but choose not to take them or I may have very few opportunities, yet carve out my own path. Who is that person deep inside choosing who I become?

Living Away From Home

In my early twenties I traveled the country living in different sub-cultures, among various religious or non- religious people. I lived among poor and rich. People with many children and people who wanted no children at all.

It is interesting to see how sculpted we can become by the immediate culture that surrounds us.

However, there are also the heroing stories of those who “overcame the odds,” breaking the chains that insisted a person think or act a certain way. How can we over come? How can we have a choice?

A Social Experiment

Each time we moved I decided to share some parts of my personality and not others. It was an experiment to see how others would treat me depending on what they saw.

When I offered free hair cuts and told people I knew how to cut my own hair, I was viewed more as a high maintenance individual.

As an artist I was viewed as creative and the go to person for art related topics, but probably not reliable.

As a home renovator – I was kind of surprised by this one. I was seen as someone with a lazy husband, who had to do it myself because I couldn’t get him to do it. The truth is we were both working on it, but I happened to like power tools, which made some women nervous and suspicious.

As a full time Mental Health Professional I was seen and treated with authority. As a part time metal health paraprofessional I was treated like a warm body.

What I Learned from My Experience

What people see in us at that moment, in no way determines who we are.

The truth is, I was all of these things and cabable of becoming much more. In order for me to choose who I would become and resist the pressure to merrily be sculpted by my immediate culture, I had to keep a mental picture of who I wanted to be.

People Change

Several years ago I shared a study on social media with the words “Wow, I sure hope so.”

It stated, “Science says that we are completely different people at age 77 as opposed to age 14.”

I didn’t, and still don’t want to remain, the same person I was when I was 14. I had different outlooks on life, views of people, different goals. I’m really glad I could change and improve on that individual.

But it made some people very upset. Daniel Gilbert, the research Psychologist at Harvard University, pointed out,

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“Is it really the case that we all think that development is a process that’s brought us to this particular moment in time, and now we’re pretty much done?”

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From some of the comments I recieved and the arguments that ensued, it seemed some people do want to get to a point where, ‘we’re pretty much done.’

Maybe it means we can relax, because we’ve finally arrived. Or maybe it allows us to push the blame of who we are, onto someone or something else.

Taking Responsibility For Ourselves

Now I know I’m going out on a limb here and may possibly offend others, but I’m going to risk it.

In order to have the option to change and improve, we have to accept responsibility for ourselves.

This doesn’t mean that the actions of another didn’t impact our choices, they often did. It means that if we really want to overcome pain or an annoying habit, we have to put the power back into our own hands.

We have to take the first step and say, “that really hurt, I’m mad – but I want a better life than what that person or circumstance says I can have.”

In order to make a change for the better, we need to see where we want to be. We need to believe we can change. Sometimes it means we need to forgive ourselves or others.

An Epiphany : Try Even When No One’s Watching

When I was in my pre-teen years, there was an incident where I became very angry with my parents. Shocker right?

I worked hard to get good grades because it was the only way I could see to change my future. We were poor and had few opportunities. I wanted a different life. I had a reason to try.

One of my sisters struggled in school and my parents wanted her to find a reason to try as well. This particular occasion, she got a C and they took her out to eat to help motivate her and celebrate.

I had gotten all A’s if not straight A’s and received no acknowledgement. I was mad….beyond mad.

When they headed out to the restaurant, I walked down to my thinking spot and brooded. I wasn’t getting good grades to please my parents, but it would be nice if they at least cared.

After some time feeling bad for myself, I came up with a brilliant, pre-teen, passive-aggressive response – I would start failing my classes.

I would hurt them, like they hurt me. I began to get really excited, this could work, I would show them.

Then a simple thought somehow made it’s way into my angry, hormonal mind –

“You will hurt your parents, but you will hurt yourself even more.”

Shocked by the simplicity of this apparent truth, I stopped and considered my life. If I truly wanted to make it out, I had to succeed even if no one else around me cared. Even if those around me might prefer I fail.

Not saying my parents wanted me to fail. Most likely they were so focused on how to get my sister to succeed they figured I didn’t need anything and they were probably overwhelmed. I could blame my failure on them or I could change my stars, accept responsibility and succeed or at least try.

Choosing Where You’re Planted

A few years later, some youth leaders introduced this whole, “Bloom Where You’re Planted, ” theme.

I think they were trying to say, ‘Make the most of where you are now.’ But I got hung up on the word ‘Planted’ – it seemed so permanent and unchangable. I hated the theme. When I they talked about it, I felt like they were looking right at me.

From then on I did everything I could to replant my life. If I needed to be planted it was going to be where I chose.

Allowing Your Head and Your Heart to Say Their Piece

Before I married, a co-worker of mine shared her engagement story. They had met through a mutual friend and ended up dating for a while.

Then in a tone of defeat, she sighed, “… and I fell in love.”

… and, AND! Bursting inside,

I waited… Just silence.

She was going to marry this guy – because she fell in love, even though her brain was screaming not to.

Her story introduced a new concept –

It is possible to love someone you shouldn’t marry. You don’t have to do everything your heart demands. A wise choice is made with the heart and the head.

Conclusion

Hopefully these three experiences give a little insight into why I personally believe in change. I want to have power to change or I am forever at the mercy of other people or circumstances.

There is freedom in believing you can become the person you want to be.

How about you? Do you like the idea of change or do you like the idea of arriving at permanence?

– are you mad at me? I hope not. Either way I wish you the very best in every way.